Van Patten's Dirty Tennis Lessons

Bruce Von Stiers

There have been several celebrities over the years who play tennis. Some play very well. One of those celebrities was actor Dick Van Patten.

Although I can't find an accurate record of it, Van Patten played in a celebrity tennis tournament in my city, Topeka, Kansas. I believe it was in the late 1970's. If I remember the story right, Dick had been brought in by Chad Everett, who was a friend of a local real estate developer.

The reason I mention Dick and his tennis prowess is that he starred in a comedy sport film titled Dirty Tennis. It was released in 1989. It was a short film, lasting only thirty minutes.

The film also starred Bruce Jenner and Nicollette Sheridan.

The film centers around Dick providing the audience with tips on how to play tennis. But not regular tennis. He is teaching the viewer how to cheat and play tennis the dirty way. The film was promoted as “A great comedy about how to win at tennis by playing dirty.”

Dick Van Patten died in 2015. From appearing in late 1950's shows like Naked City and Rawhide to playing the dad in the long running Eight is Enough, Van Patten had an extensive list of film and television roles. Bruce Jenner is now known as Caitlyn Jenner. From Olympic athlete to film and television actor to reality star, Jenner continues to make news as a trans woman with ultra conservative views. Then there is Nicollette Sheridan. First known for her role in the series Paper Dolls, Sheridan has over fifty screen credits, including playing Alexis Carrington in the reboot of Dynasty.

Dirty Tennis was directed by George Bloom. He directed some music videos and the feature film, Brothers In Arms. Bloom also was a creative director for a Stranger Things video game. The screenplay was written by James Van Patten. Besides being Dick Van Patten's son, he has over sixty screen credits as an actor. He also produced a couple of films and did stunts for another.

The film was produced by Patti Jackson. She had produced a film in the Beethoven series and a couple of Scorpion King films as well. The film had Kristy McNichol and Carrie Daccardi as associate producers. Daccardi was a makeup artist for a few films and helped produce some video games, including Tetris. From co-starring in the shows, Apple's Way and Family to films like Little Darlings and Mother of the Bride, McNichol Has had a long and varied television and film career.

The film's Executive Producers were Jonathan Baker and Rick Melchior. Melchoir helped produce several video games and one Mortal Kombat film. Baker was the executive producer for recent films such as Survive The Night and Force of Nature.

The music in Dirty Tennis was provided by Andrew Belling. He was a studio musician for stars such as Glenn Campbell, Linda Rondstadt and The Eagles. He also composed music for several animated Disney videos, including Goofy's Greatest Hits and Sing Me A Story With Belle.

The director of photography was Jose Mignone. He was the director of photography for over thirty episodes of 21 Jump Street and multiple episodes of HBO First Look.William Paul Dornish was the editor. His credits include editing episodes of the original MacGyver and Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan.

As this is an older film, some of the behind-the-scenes people have gone on to bigger and better things as you've seen above. One of the others, Glenn Steelman, was a grip on this film. He has gone on to be the first assistant director for the television shows Revenge, This Is Us and The Company You Keep.

The film opens with an introduction from Dick where he throws away all the conventions about tennis courtesies and niceties.

Then there is Part 1: The Dirty Set Up. Bruce Jenner enters the film as himself. He is supposed to be getting tennis lessons from Dick. Bruce has all of the trapping for a novice, a few new rackets, designer sunglasses, designer water and tennis magazines. But Dick isn't having any of it. No, he adds distractions like colorful clothing. Then he fakes drinking some booze to lull Bruce into a false sense of security about being able to win at tennis. Throughout the film Dick has additional parts to aid the viewer in playing dirty tennis.

Later Dick has Bruce running all over the court doing trying to hit warm up serves. Then when they begin to play, Dick plays properly. But not for long. He then deliberately plays badly.

A little while later, Nicollette Sheridan shows up. She is wearing a bikini and starts sunbathing near the tennis court. This is by design, as Dick is using Nicollette as a distraction for Bruce.

Some of the other tricks that Dick uses in his Dirty Tennis tutorial is having Nicolette dive into the pool and having the courtside phone ring. There are scenes with Nicolette doing what she does best, looking awesome and causing Bruce to be very distracted.

There are a couple of bits in the film where Dick's wife, Pat, makes an appearance. And scenes where Dick's sons, Vince Van Patten and Nels Van Patten make a cameo appearance. And James Van Patten also arrives on the scene, dismounting a motorcycle and ratcheting a sawed-off riot gun.

Dirty Tennis is funny, but a bit over the top. Of course, it was meant to be. Van Patten being a serious tennis player only adds to the silliness of the premise of the film. That is, to use every dirty trick available to cheat to win at tennis. Sheridan is coyishly hamming it up and Jenner comes off as very naïve to the tricks Dick is using. And he seems to be enamored with Sheridan.

Dirty Tennis is now available on Apple TV, Amazon Prime and other streaming services.

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© 2023 Bruce E Von Stiers